Little Caesar

I'm starting to believe that, in a past life, I was the Nazi in charge of killing children and puppies and that my current job is karmic retribution for my crimes. I work in a call center, and between listening to the conversations my co-workers have and the people I have to call I feel like the Indian in that classic commercial from the '70s about not littering/polluting except instead of shedding a tear about what the white man is doing to my land I'm crying over the mass slaughter of my brain cells.




Speaking of commercials, Christmas time is officially here since I saw this the other day:




(I heart you nervous red soloist!)

I love Christmas.

So. I'm part of the problem.

I-God this is hard for me to say-I...saw New Moon. I'm sorry.

It was just as bad as you'd think it'd be. On the plus side, good music and SHIRTLESS TAYLOR LAUTNER.

I think the funniest thing about the movie were how over-the-top protective Edward and Jacob were of Bella. Like she needs to be saved from absolutely everything on the face of the Earth. 97% of the dialog went something like this:

(Bella is sitting alone in her room, reading a book. Enter Jacob, out of breath and shirtless for some unknown reason)

Jacob: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!? (knocks book out of her hand)

Bella: What? What is it? I was just reading!

Jacob: You could've gotten a paper cut! God Bella, what were you thinking?!

Bella: I...I'm sorry. (the two almost kiss, but are interrupted by something)

(Jacob can also be substituted with a vision of Edward, only Bella would add "But it's the only way I can SEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU wahhhhhhhh")

Whatever. It was better than The Fourth Kind. God, I'm still so mad I spent money on that epic fail.

Backstory, part one: today, my job let the employees come in to work in pajamas as part of a promo. Oh, YOU BETTER BELIEVE I PARTICIPATED. (I am so not looking forward to tomorrow, when I have to go back to business casual, now that I know the absolute euphoria of working in pajamas)

Backstory, part two: Sometime during the night (I work 5-10 P.M.), one of my supervisors found a kitty in the back area where people go to smoke. The poor thing was so sickly that it was being pecked at by a bunch of crows while it was still alive. Yeah, it was in bad shape. Supervisor (my new hero) put the kitty in a box where those filthy birds couldn't get to it, ran to the dollar store next to our office and got some food and water for it, and left the box out in the back (and then he was going to take the kitty home later tonight and get it cleaned up and taken to the vet).

So, after my shift ends, I go out back to say goodnight to the kitty. I open the box and actually start singing to it (specifically, "Soft Kitty" from The Big Bang Theory) because I am just that stupid, only to stand up to see that there are other people there that saw me. And I couldn't help but wonder what they thought of me: this lardass with frizzy hair comes out at 10:00 at night in pajamas and then starts singing to what they can only assume is an empty box. I mean, really. What would you think?

You're a douche, and you need to stop: The Telephone Edition:

-If you have one of those "ringbacks" or whatever you call them and try to force your awful taste in music on anyone who was stupid enough to call you, you're a douche, and you need to stop.

-If you sing on your answering machine, you're a douche, and you need to stop. If the song you're singing is about Jesus, you really really really need to stop.

-To take that a little bit further, if you have anything religious on your voicemail, you're a douche, and you need to stop. Don't read me verses from the Bible, shout "PRAISE JESUS!" (right in my ear), or even tell me to have a blessed day. Just don't.

-If you have a child who has not yet reached puberty record the outgoing message on your voicemail, you're a douche, and you need to stop.

-If you have one of those outgoing messages where you make it seem like you're talking and then you're like "HA HA, you actually got my machine! Leave a message!", you're the biggest douche in the world, and you need to be kicked in the groin.

Girl: I saw this picture on the internet-it was of a Walgreen's and there was a banner saying "Walgreen's supports Black History Month!"...but it was over a huge display of cotton balls.

(all laugh)

(Older)Guy: You know, the sad thing is, probably anyone under 25 wouldn't understand why that's funny.

Me: Hey! I resent that! I'm under 25 and I got it.

Girl: Welllll...technically, I'm under 25 and I got it too. But then again, I think I'm smarter than the average bear.

I'm sorry, did you really just say that? For fuck's sake, you're making $9/hr at a telemarketing place in a town where, according to the Wikipedia page, the only notable residents are a porn star, a Z-list actor that I guarantee you no one has heard of, and a guy who came up with a weight loss program. And you quoted a cartoon. Shut the fuck up.

I am, apparently, old. The other day at work, I was talking to an 18 year old, and she had never heard the word "bimbo." Then, like, the day after that happened, this girl comes in with a purse with a big picture of Kurt Cobain on it. One girl (23 years old) asks her: "Who's Kurt Cobain?" As she's telling me this story (which she preceded with "Any respect I had for Michelle [the girl who asked her who Kurt was] has vanished"), the 22 year old girl sitting between us is like "um...I don't know who Kurt Cobain is either." YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT. We were like "Nirvana? 'Smells Like Teen Spirit'? OH COME ON." This is truly horrifying. Made even scarier by the fact that we have a President who's trying to pass a plan that will put old people on death panels.

Dear Gym I Go To,

Is it really necessary to have one of the tvs permanently tuned to the Food Network? I mean, really. Come on now.

Gay people who love each other and just want to be treated equally: nay

This: yea

Fuck everything.
(oh, btw, I DON'T MEAN THAT LITERALLY, lady from the article)

Do you think when Monica Lewinsky applies for jobs and such that she puts her White House internship on her resume?

These are the things I think about instead of developing relationships with other human beings.

I wanted to put down in writing my grand plans for the next couple of years, in an effort to make them more real (although what will probably end up happening is that it won't happen and this entry will only serve to depress me when I look back on it this time next year).

( This is a fertile plan. And I will thrive. )

Fuck all if I know what I'm going to do after that. Maybe I'll just go teaching English in different countries. *shrug*

I've been overdosing on Firefly lately, and I wanted to leave you with my favorite scene from the show:

Duuuude. It's 2:00 in the morning, and I literally just ate a waffle topped with potato chips.

It's like I'm a stoner without the smoking weed part.

I am hyper today man.

So, okay, have you ever had that thing happen to you where you don't realize you like someone until you hear they're dating someone else? And then you're all like, oh. Yeah, this has recently happened to me with a dude at work. And here I was thinking it didn't happen outside of bad romantic comedies. Do you guys want to help me come up with some crazy schemes to break them up? Because, really. He belongs with meeeeee!

( In other Spring Fever news... )

( In Really? Really?! news... )

Lately, it seems that no matter what channel I turn to on the radio, there is a song by T.I. Top 40? Pop? Bluegrass? Christmas Carols? He's there. So, I'm listening to the radio, and his song "Whatever You Like" comes on. And I'm only half listening, and he's going on about all the things he can provide for his lady, and then I think hear one of the lyrics as "meet Joe Biden." And I kind of think it's totally awesome. Because 1) how many rappers since Public Enemy mention politics at all? 2) how friggin' random? and 3)isn't that the greatest pickup line ever? I mean, anyone can save enough money to buy a Bentley or bottle of champagne, but it takes someone special to get you a meeting with Joe Muthafuckin' Biden.

Anyway, turns out the actual lyrics? "I want your body. Need your body." Clearly, PEWS can take many strange forms.

In other news, a childhood friend of mine was actually married today (it was legal and everything! Because she can get legally married because she's straight and therefore not a second class citizen in my useless state of Florida). Not totally sure how this is possible since it seems like only two seconds ago we hadn't gone through puberty yet. LA LA LA I AM NOT GROWING UP LA LA LA.

Ha ha. It's funny because it's true. Also vulgar.

By the way, in case you couldn't tell from the wee tshirthell.com graphic, that's an actual t-shirt. I would've worn it today, but my voting place is actually a church. To be more specific, the church where I received my first Communion and where I was confirmed. And even an inconsiderate jerk like me knows that it's in incredibly bad taste to wear a t-shirt that has the words "Sarah Palin" on it to a holy place.

You know what I think of whenever I see Sarah Palin? This bit from The Kids in the Hall:






I mean, couldn't you just hear her (in that "Alaskan windsong" (tm Tina Fey) of a voice) saying "You know what this is? A Senate Resolution! A very important Senate resolution. They vote on it, and when it's tied, they let me decide. I don't know what to do with it! I don't understand 75% of the words on this thing! I mean, I suppose I could ask some of my advisors but they'd only spout nonsense I couldn't possibly understand."

This new Great Depression ("I don't get it. What's so 'great' about this depression?"-Carl Carlson) is freaking me out. (Obviously, it's freaking everyone out, but what I do I care about other people?) I hate that I'm not a Wachovia customer anymore! What's gonna happen to the $0.54 in my checking account?!

A meme:

First! Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter. Second! List (and upload, if you feel like it) 5 songs that start with that letter. Third! Post them to your journal with these instructions.

I was given N by the fabulous jengrrrl. It's weird, I actually have very few songs beginning with N in my collection, and the ones I do have, I usually skip over when they come up. Hmmm. I'll try to do my best.

1)Na Na Na Na Naa by Kaiser Chiefs. Every song I've heard by this band is incredibly catchy, and this is no exception.

2)No Myth by Michael Penn. This song and the fact that he's married to Aimee Mann are just some of the reasons why Michael is cooler than his younger brother Sean.

3)Night Moves by Bob Seger. Julie + Luke=OTP. Forever and ever.

4)(Now and Then There's) A Fool Such as I by Elvis Presley. Everyone needs more Elvis in their life.

and, my favorite,

5)New Hope by blink-182. It's a dude singing about his love for Princess Leia. And even though my rock star husband Mark Hoppus pronounces "Han" and "Mos" wrong, I still think this song is incredibly adorkable.

Bonus! Any Futurama fans in the house?

The New Justice Team theme.
Leela: "We have to keep our secret identities secret."
Fry: "From everybody?"
Leela: "Especially from everybody."
Fry: "Give several reasons why."

Watching the Kentucky Derby yesterday, I asked my mom jokingly if they just go ahead and kill the horses that don't win. And then, of course, this happened to the little lady that got second place.

RIP, Eight Belles. I hope you are up in Horse Heaven getting hit on by Seabiscuit, Secretariat, and Barbaro. This is for you.

Here's another item to add to the long list of things that make me pretty damn butch: I have always had a crush on pretty much all muscle cars.

(In order to reclaim some of my femininity, let me say that it's not like I like them because of how much power they have or how fast they go, but only because of their looks. I know NOTHING about cars. I couldn't tell you the difference between a carburetor (I had to look up how to spell that) and wiper fluid)

My favorite has always been the Ford Mustang. That is, until I saw the 2008 Dodge Challenger.




*orgasm*

( picspam, ahoy! )

Is there some company that can convert engines to take vegetable oil or cow manure or electricity or whatever the fuck? Why do green cars have to be so fugly? *woe*

I couldn't help noticing you're gangster.

I'm a little bit gangster myself.