You're a douche, and you need to stop: The Telephone Edition:
-If you have one of those "ringbacks" or whatever you call them and try to force your awful taste in music on anyone who was stupid enough to call you, you're a douche, and you need to stop.
-If you sing on your answering machine, you're a douche, and you need to stop. If the song you're singing is about Jesus, you really really really need to stop.
-To take that a little bit further, if you have anything religious on your voicemail, you're a douche, and you need to stop. Don't read me verses from the Bible, shout "PRAISE JESUS!" (right in my ear), or even tell me to have a blessed day. Just don't.
-If you have a child who has not yet reached puberty record the outgoing message on your voicemail, you're a douche, and you need to stop.
-If you have one of those outgoing messages where you make it seem like you're talking and then you're like "HA HA, you actually got my machine! Leave a message!", you're the biggest douche in the world, and you need to be kicked in the groin.