Little Caesar

I wanted to put down in writing my grand plans for the next couple of years, in an effort to make them more real (although what will probably end up happening is that it won't happen and this entry will only serve to depress me when I look back on it this time next year).

( This is a fertile plan. And I will thrive. )

Fuck all if I know what I'm going to do after that. Maybe I'll just go teaching English in different countries. *shrug*

I've been overdosing on Firefly lately, and I wanted to leave you with my favorite scene from the show:

Duuuude. It's 2:00 in the morning, and I literally just ate a waffle topped with potato chips.

It's like I'm a stoner without the smoking weed part.

I am hyper today man.

So, okay, have you ever had that thing happen to you where you don't realize you like someone until you hear they're dating someone else? And then you're all like, oh. Yeah, this has recently happened to me with a dude at work. And here I was thinking it didn't happen outside of bad romantic comedies. Do you guys want to help me come up with some crazy schemes to break them up? Because, really. He belongs with meeeeee!

( In other Spring Fever news... )

( In Really? Really?! news... )

Lately, it seems that no matter what channel I turn to on the radio, there is a song by T.I. Top 40? Pop? Bluegrass? Christmas Carols? He's there. So, I'm listening to the radio, and his song "Whatever You Like" comes on. And I'm only half listening, and he's going on about all the things he can provide for his lady, and then I think hear one of the lyrics as "meet Joe Biden." And I kind of think it's totally awesome. Because 1) how many rappers since Public Enemy mention politics at all? 2) how friggin' random? and 3)isn't that the greatest pickup line ever? I mean, anyone can save enough money to buy a Bentley or bottle of champagne, but it takes someone special to get you a meeting with Joe Muthafuckin' Biden.

Anyway, turns out the actual lyrics? "I want your body. Need your body." Clearly, PEWS can take many strange forms.

In other news, a childhood friend of mine was actually married today (it was legal and everything! Because she can get legally married because she's straight and therefore not a second class citizen in my useless state of Florida). Not totally sure how this is possible since it seems like only two seconds ago we hadn't gone through puberty yet. LA LA LA I AM NOT GROWING UP LA LA LA.

Ha ha. It's funny because it's true. Also vulgar.

By the way, in case you couldn't tell from the wee tshirthell.com graphic, that's an actual t-shirt. I would've worn it today, but my voting place is actually a church. To be more specific, the church where I received my first Communion and where I was confirmed. And even an inconsiderate jerk like me knows that it's in incredibly bad taste to wear a t-shirt that has the words "Sarah Palin" on it to a holy place.

You know what I think of whenever I see Sarah Palin? This bit from The Kids in the Hall:






I mean, couldn't you just hear her (in that "Alaskan windsong" (tm Tina Fey) of a voice) saying "You know what this is? A Senate Resolution! A very important Senate resolution. They vote on it, and when it's tied, they let me decide. I don't know what to do with it! I don't understand 75% of the words on this thing! I mean, I suppose I could ask some of my advisors but they'd only spout nonsense I couldn't possibly understand."

This new Great Depression ("I don't get it. What's so 'great' about this depression?"-Carl Carlson) is freaking me out. (Obviously, it's freaking everyone out, but what I do I care about other people?) I hate that I'm not a Wachovia customer anymore! What's gonna happen to the $0.54 in my checking account?!

A meme:

First! Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter. Second! List (and upload, if you feel like it) 5 songs that start with that letter. Third! Post them to your journal with these instructions.

I was given N by the fabulous jengrrrl. It's weird, I actually have very few songs beginning with N in my collection, and the ones I do have, I usually skip over when they come up. Hmmm. I'll try to do my best.

1)Na Na Na Na Naa by Kaiser Chiefs. Every song I've heard by this band is incredibly catchy, and this is no exception.

2)No Myth by Michael Penn. This song and the fact that he's married to Aimee Mann are just some of the reasons why Michael is cooler than his younger brother Sean.

3)Night Moves by Bob Seger. Julie + Luke=OTP. Forever and ever.

4)(Now and Then There's) A Fool Such as I by Elvis Presley. Everyone needs more Elvis in their life.

and, my favorite,

5)New Hope by blink-182. It's a dude singing about his love for Princess Leia. And even though my rock star husband Mark Hoppus pronounces "Han" and "Mos" wrong, I still think this song is incredibly adorkable.

Bonus! Any Futurama fans in the house?

The New Justice Team theme.
Leela: "We have to keep our secret identities secret."
Fry: "From everybody?"
Leela: "Especially from everybody."
Fry: "Give several reasons why."

Watching the Kentucky Derby yesterday, I asked my mom jokingly if they just go ahead and kill the horses that don't win. And then, of course, this happened to the little lady that got second place.

RIP, Eight Belles. I hope you are up in Horse Heaven getting hit on by Seabiscuit, Secretariat, and Barbaro. This is for you.

Here's another item to add to the long list of things that make me pretty damn butch: I have always had a crush on pretty much all muscle cars.

(In order to reclaim some of my femininity, let me say that it's not like I like them because of how much power they have or how fast they go, but only because of their looks. I know NOTHING about cars. I couldn't tell you the difference between a carburetor (I had to look up how to spell that) and wiper fluid)

My favorite has always been the Ford Mustang. That is, until I saw the 2008 Dodge Challenger.




*orgasm*

( picspam, ahoy! )

Is there some company that can convert engines to take vegetable oil or cow manure or electricity or whatever the fuck? Why do green cars have to be so fugly? *woe*

I couldn't help noticing you're gangster.

I'm a little bit gangster myself.

What is a horse shoe?
What does a horse shoe do?
Are there any horse socks?
Is anybody listening to me?

Britney Spears used to make me mad.
Now she just makes me sad.
I liked it better when she made me mad.

Yeah big deal. By the time Bart is eighteen we're gonna control the world.
...We're China right?
-Homer Simpson

In my international relations class, we had an assignment where we had to write about who we thought would be the world's next superpower after the U.S. inevitably falls: the EU, India, Japan, or China.

So the next time we meet, the professor asks the class how many of us picked China. And of course, 99.9% of the class's hands go up because, duh, CLEARLY China is going to be the next superpower.

Then she asks how many picked India.

Cue one lonely hand being raised by a kid who is quite obviously Indian.

And I could NOT stop laughing because I can just imagine him thinking "you lazy white bastards will learn your lesson when we nuke your asses!"

There are rumors going around that Wentworth Miller is gay. This makes a lot of sense.

1)I have a massive crush on him, so he has to follow in the footsteps of all my other massive crushes and end up being gay.

2)He's never photographed with any women, and a man that looks like Wentworth Miller could get any woman he wanted.

So I just want to go on the record and say if these rumors turn out to be true and Wentworth makes some big dramatic coming out statement to People magazine, I will get a sex change operation.

That is how much I love you, Wentworth. That is how much I love you.

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS?
That has nothing to do with anything, but I really do hate pants.

I was just reading an interview with my beloved Tina Fey(side note: the interview really sucked. Yes, Tina is nice to lesbians and not homophobic! No, she doesn't have a crush on Angelina Jolie! HOW ABOUT ASKING HER SOME REAL QUESTIONS, JOURNALIST?)
Anways, what was I saying? Oh, right, the interview. So they played a little game with her called "Who Would You Rather Sleep With?" And for the first question, they make her choose between K-Fed and Ann Coulter.
Just...wow. I think I'd have an easier time choosing between Hitler and Satan (Satan, if you're curious (insert pitchfork joke here)).
I mean, ya got K-Fed who has clearly not showered in...ever. And sleeping with him, you're either
A)going to get some disease
or
B)get pregnant
But then your other choice is Ann Coulter? Maybe if she didn't talk...? NO. No. She is just so awful.
STUPID INTERVIEW, making me think way too much about this!
P.S. In case you're curious, Tina's answer was "Ooh -- K-fed. Listen, it would be impossible to find a pairing in which I would choose K-fed, but trust me on this -- K-fed. For sure."

You know what makes me happy?

Endorphins!

In a related story, you know what makes me really unhappy (besides anhedonia)? People who pronounce Target Tar-jay. Like, oooh, let me be careful not to impale myself on your sharp wit!

I tell my friends that I agree with them when they say "Don't Stop Believin'" is the best karaoke song ever.
But truth be told, I actually think "Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin'" is the best. It hurts me to lie to them.

The town where I live is home to the flagship station of one of the biggest radio personalities in the country. He makes jokes like calling North Korea leader Kim Jong-il "Kim Jong Mentally Ill."
He thinks he's really funny.
He is not.

I said MATH!
Good God y'all.
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothin'!